if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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