Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
