Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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