dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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