hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
