I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You have to summon your inner elephant
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
