My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
