The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
