they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
