I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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