You just made me feel so damn special
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
