i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
