How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
