i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
