you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
