So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
