oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
