Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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