what day is it and did you see me today?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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