And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
