i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize