I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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