Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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