i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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