She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
