I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
