Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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