I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
