Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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