He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
