wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
