I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
