So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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