My Higher Power is John Stamos
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
