Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You're like the curious george of whores
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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