Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
