Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
