Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
