I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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