I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.