don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.