i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.