dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
PANTIES FOUND
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
