1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I smell stomach acid.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
