I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
