I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
