just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
