sarcasm needs its own font
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
