Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
