I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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