I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
