So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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