last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
