Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
