Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
