I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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