i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
