Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
