I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
