I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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