At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
